Hello people of the twenty-first century. Yes, it's been a while since I've written something, but, I think I've been waiting for the right opportunity to express how I'm feeling. The last couple of weeks I have changed from a person I was confident and proud to be, to someone that seems completely new and foreign. As you can probably tell, this is quite a serious thing for me to be talking about, and is even a little frightening to be writing down. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and lucky, to have had such an easy, I guess that's how you could say it, life. I have a great support network, a roof over my head, so what could be wrong? You always have the sub-conscious in the back of your mind questioning everything you do, but lately, this has controlled my whole thoughts, and taken over who I am.
For a while now I haven't been my average normal self, and I was, and still am, thinking things that shock me, my family, and my friends, and I can't seem to comprehend how I resort to these thoughts. I've hurt myself physically to try and understand how I feel mentally, and I'm still left searching for answers. Everything started to unravel around a week ago. We were on our annual trip to Brisbane for a music festival, and as I've had many times before, struck a breakdown one night. My boyfriend was obviously aware of how I was thinking, and had experienced this many times before. Unable to cope himself, he sought guidance from our teachers/supervisors. Then, I was forced to come clean, something I dreaded doing, and that I hadn't even done to my parents yet. They convinced me that I did have a purpose, something I was certain I didn't have. From there, I went back to my room and had, one of THE MOST hysterical crying fits ever. I was a little (a lot) embarrassed afterwards...
You see, I've been avoiding telling my parents how I really feel for quite sometime, and I could not avoid it anymore. I was afraid that they'd be angry/upset with me, and I did not want them constantly worrying about me. I'm not the type of person to give in easily, and I've always been one to keep things to myself. So when I was faced with this, it scared the hell out of me. And, it actually wasn't that bad....
My mum was completely shocked and in disbelief. I aim to be this happy and confident person so I'm not seen as this negative person, and this is what shocked her. That I was hiding this for so long and she never saw.... I immediately felt guilty.
Things have been pretty full-on since then. I had my first session with the Guidance Councillor who recommended seeing the doctor/GP. I then went on the seeing her, who recommended a psychologist who I'm going to see tomorrow. My dad found out a few days ago, he was shattered as well. Chances are I most like have depression, which I'm hugely afraid of. I never thought I would get affected by something like this.
I was starting to believe things might be getting better, and then, my main support network, the one person I thought I could trust, left me in the dark. In my most important time of need, I was getting hurt even more than I planned, and I'm finding it hard. Really hard. You thrive off the ones you love, and I was even more determined to get better because these people so desperately wanted me to as well. But how am I supposed to feel now, I've lost the one person that I needed to get through, and I've never so alone in my life. The one person on my side, has turned against me.....
Depression is not something to be envious of, it latches onto any positive emotions it can and pushes them into the back of your mind. Whatever good thoughts you have, never count in the end, you see bad in everything in front of you. You question everything you are, and completely forget the person you were. Every minute drags out, and time takes forever to go. It doesn't just affect your mental health, but your physical is just as much a victim. You spent hours crying, and can never properly sleep because your head wont stop pounding with negative thoughts. You segregate yourself from everything, and personally, I prefer to be in a small confined space. Depression can effect ANYONE, and there's a lot of people out there who have witnessed it, or are currently. I don't plan on letting this beat me, but I'm unsure with how long this will last. I'll take it one day at a time, that's all I can do.
Thanks guys.
Bertie Botts
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